Childhood Conversations

OK so picture this. I’m sitting outside a little after 7PM, it’s dark and I’m watching, waiting for Franklin to do his business so we can go back inside. It feels really nice outside and it’s quiet. I’ve just finished Maeve’s bedtime so now I am stepping into those sweet couple of hours where I have “me” time (or, us time – Cade and I are unapologetically connected at the hip; when will I get sick of him?!) There are some little girls jumping on the trampoline next door and I can hear them giggling and talking. A tiny fight erupts and I hear “you can’t be mad at me because I know how to do something that you don’t” and then all I hear are muffles before I eventually hear “No! If I fart I’m going to poop!”

I laughed – not out loud! I don’t want to be a creep. But it was funny.

It reminded me of my childhood and those stupid conversations you’d have with friends when you’re growing up. When you just said stuff that was on your mind, unfiltered. Not gossip, not political, not opinionated… just chatter!

My best conversations recently are exactly this, just chatter.

I’ve been pretty happy lately. It feels weird to say that, you know? Like I’m bragging… or worse, I like am going to jinx it. I’ve told a few people now that sometimes I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

But then, we watched Soul the other night and I’ve been reading this book about trauma and healing and what I’m saying is that there have been a lot of reminders for me to live in the moment and I’ve been working on that a lot lately. There is something to be said for that.

Anyway, I’m saying all of this to say that if you’re going through a hard time, you should know that there is hope and better days ahead. It’s all waves; it comes and goes… Maybe this is a reminder for my future self. I don’t know… but I felt like sharing this.

I hope you’re well. I’m sending a lot of love to you if you need it.

10 Years of this blog!

 

Hello! 

Recently, (as in, the last several months) I have been thinking about how much I love writing and how much I miss blogging. A few things have held me back... my fear of sharing parts of my life, the opinion of others and (this is the big one) having a newborn that didn't allow a lot of time to do anything other than take care of her, clean, take care of me and sleep. Fortunately, I don't have the capacity to care too much about other people's opinions at this point in my life and we are finally finding a place of normalcy in the Buckus household with an (almost) 5-month-old! So... write, I shall! 

I finally dusted off the old blog and did some reminiscing and I was surprised to see that I have had this space for 10 years. I haven't written much in the last 3 of them, but still! Here is a blog from just over 10 years ago and while it's short and sweet it was nice to look back on. Not much has changed either which is, in a sense, comforting. 

Here are some of my all-time favorite blog posts in case you want to reminisce too, or just to browse around.

Suffield

Cleveland Parks!

On being an aunt.

I'm proud of you.

The diving board.

The good life in Louisiana.

I wasn't me.

I'm excited to be back at this and I hope I can stay motivated to continue writing. It is so good for me, and I have always felt a push to write and share. I even have a few ideas for upcoming posts including a 2023 recap that I'm eager to send off into the world. 

For now, though I leave with this re-introduction to my corner of the internet. Talk soon! 

-Renee

So wait, why did I stop?

 

(cough, cough) Hello! Phew, that was a lot of dust. 

First off, if you're here reading this then "thank you!". Maybe you're someone who's been reading since I started (2014!), or maybe you hopped on occasionally, along the way or maybe you're checking it out for the first time. Feel free to explore my older posts, if you'd like. I love writing, I love blogging and I love sharing these parts of my life that I've chosen to share over the years. 

I've been wanting to pick back up for months now and even logged in a few times to start but then I get to thinking "has it been to long? ... will people even care? ... where do I start?" but today, as I'm sitting here typing I'm wondering why that matters? Even if I'm the only one reading then that's enough for me. 

So here I am. Back to writing and sharing what I want to share, when I want to share it. I can't wait to pick back up on this. I love having this little corner of the internet to myself and I can't wait to get back to writing. Remember when I shared all of my book recaps? Or my "life lately's"? Those were fun. 

Ok, this post is really just an ice breaker. I'm going to ease back into it. It's like a really cold swimming pool... You have to go in gently, no wait... no you don't. You can just jump in! Or you can go gently... it's up to you! Ok, I'm choosing to ease in. Stay tuned for a new post SOON. 

I'M BACK BABY!

a third birthday for lilah!

I can't celebrate Lilah's birthday without, of course, sharing a blog post about it.

Here is her FIRST birthday and here is her second!

We had a blast celebrating her third birthday and I particularly loved being able to spend quality time chasing her around the playground. She is so sweet and precious and is really becoming such a girly girl. I jokingly asked her if she's ever eaten a play-doh cookie and she squished her face all together and said "you don't eat play-doh nae nae!". So I guess that's that. Anyway, here are more pictures from her birthday!

^^ Lilah with her Gaga. She is a grandma's girl FOR SURE. 

Lilah with her Gigi. As long as he's not making scary faces then she's quite the fan of his!

I have to mention this little dude. I think all the "he's so chill and calm" has really caught up with us because all he wants to do now is run away as fast as he can. It's exhausting! But he's cute (as made apparent below) so we deal with it!

Lilah's faces in these pictures KILL ME. She's already nailing the photo ops.

Guys, she's THREE now. She clearly woke up able to read and if you DARE read her anything then it's insulting so just let her read her own darn card, OK?

 If there is any logic in babies picking their families before they come earth side then I have no clue what made us worthy of her but I hope she's never regretted her decision. These three years have been my favorite yet and knowing that I get to see everything great she'll do in this lifetime is enough to keep me here.

I love you deeply, Lilah Rae.

I wasn't me.

Deep breath in.

Exhale.

Here goes. This is personal and it’s deep and by writing this I am showing my vulnerability. Out of respect for me and yourself, please proceed with caution and understanding.

Last year, 2018,  was not my “routine year”. I have this repeating habit where I enjoy the holidays and then my birthday and do what I can to stay above the grayness of winter until spring rolls around. When spring opens with its gentle warmth and the sun rises before I do, I become a different person. I’m more motivated and excited. I’ll become excited over nothing other than the fact that it’s sunny and that was always enough.

In spring of 2018 I didn't feel that warmth or excitement. I don’t know what it was, but I held on to that gray into spring and then summer. By the time fall rolled around I felt like the winter would be my companion and we could blend our grays together. The autumn leaves shed and the empty branches took over the scenery and just like that, I felt like I had also shed everything that was making me feel like myself. I felt really low and the only thing I wanted to do was lay on the couch or in bed. I wasn’t very excited for Christmas and in an unusual turn of events, I wasn’t excited for my birthday at all. I remember telling Cade that I kind of wished I could skip my birthday last year. I was turning 29 but it had nothing to do with my age, I just didn’t want to deal with emotions.

I wasn’t taking care of myself.

I was arguing with everyone (including Cade).

I was drinking a lot.

I was eating a lot.

I was doing nothing to help myself, or anyone else.

On my birthday, as Cade was driving me out to dinner and doing everything he could to be sweet and kind, I told him the darkest thing that I’ve ever said out loud.

I didn’t care if I were alive anymore.

Even just typing that makes me cringe and feel uncomfortable. It was a long night after that and then a long few days too. I wasn’t necessarily suicidal, but I guess I just thought if something happened to me then I wouldn’t have to deal with this stress anymore. It was, and still is, a terrifying feeling.

After saying it out loud I knew that something had to change. As much as it hurt to say it, I think I became more accountable at the very moment that the words escaped my mouth. In March I started to cut back on drinking.. In April I essentially quit regular drinking. I eventually got into better eating habits and then taking care of myself all around in a much better way. As I am writing this, at the end of August 2019, I can say that I am nowhere near where I was a year ago. I'm sleeping better, I’m feeling better, I’m more in tune with my mind and body. Cade and I have never been better.

Stress and emotions are heavy and you have to carry them one way or another. Hopefully you have a team that’s offering help when they can and hopefully you will let them help.

If you don’t feel like you have a team then look around. Maybe you’re just not noticing them.

Either way, based on my own experience, reach out. Tell someone that you can trust what you’re going through and tell them to listen to you. Do the best you can to explain everything and consider the spot you’re in as your rock bottom. You can come back and you can feel alive again but you have to know where you’re at to do that. 

Just do your best. That's all you can do. Your best!

Renee

a birthday trip for a birthday boy.

I am a little extravagant and sometimes I exaggerate or overly indulge in experiences but one thing that is always worthy of that extra-ness is Cade. He's my best friend, my secret keeper, my anxiety relief and husband. Sometimes I want to tell him that I don't like him but that's usually just the heat of the moment and a little bit later I'm back to thinking he's the entire world. So we'll focus on the positives all the time, right?!

Anyway, for his birthday I wanted to surprise him in a big way and boy did I do that ;)  ... We went to Salt Lake City! Neither of us have ever been and so I bought our plane tickets, reserved the hotel room and did some scoping on the internet to figure out what we could do. The trip was incredible and having that weekend to ourselves with no responsibilities was exactly what we needed and exactly when we needed it. 

The flight into Salt Lake was about as beautiful of a flight that you could possible imagine. Once we got below the clouds it was just mountains. Big, beautiful mountains that completely surrounded us. It was a moment and it I might have shed a little tear just thinking about how grateful I am and how incredible the opportunity was to be able to do something like this with someone I genuinely adore and love. It was touching and I'll never forget it.

After we landed and got to our hotel we got ourselves checked in and situated. At this time it was probably near 6PM which, to our bodies was actually around 8 and we decided that we needed dinner and to rest. Unfortunately I don't really have any pictures from dinner but we went to Squatters Pub and it was a great time. The food was delicious and the beer selection was vast and plenty. We both tried different things and we loved it all! 

DAY ONE: 

Coffee: Blue Copper Roasters

This was a few blocks from our hotel so we decided to go here for breakfast and coffee and it was such a cute little place! We got a little travel mug to take back with us but the best part was definitely shared between the coffee and the friendliness! We sat at the coffee bar and during conversation with the baristas we explained that we were from out of town and wasn't sure what to do. They gave so many great ideas and a stranger sitting at a table even chimed in AND showed us on his laptop where to go and how to take certain transit lines that tourists may not be too familiar with. I should mention now that I was completely blown away by the kindness and patience that I received from the locals. It was terrific! 

This was taken with an iPhone. Not zoomed in whatsoever and not edited. SAY WHAT?! 

 

I'm not sure if this video will work but I thought I'd need it for proof to show that the mountains really were this overwhelmingly beautiful and big and magnificent! 

Salt Lake is nothing if not a city for every kind of person. Sure there is a temple and large Mormon population and yes there is obviously skiers and snowboarders but also there's many mom and pop shops and breweries and restaurants for those of us who aren't necessary active (in religion or sports, get it!? get it?!). Anyway, we went to the breweries and local shops, it was perfect for us! 

Uinta Brewing
Epic Brewing Company
Proper Brewing Company
Lucky 13 Bar and Grill

 

DAY TWO: 

On day two we decided to travel up to Park City after receiving this suggestion from nearly ever Uber driver, waiter/waitress and helpful passerby. So off we went and just a little tid bit, if you find yourself in SLC then you should absolutely check out Park City. They're not lying! 

Coffee: Atticus Coffee, Books and Teahouse

We walked up and down Main Street and just took in these amazing views! How can you describe it other than doing your best to capture the beauty?

For lunch we checked out High West Distillery

We slowly made our way back to Salt Lake and decided to check out Red Iguana after (again) everyone told us to go and it lived up to the hype! The wait was a quick 25 minutes and the food and service were equal parts fantastic! We really hit the jackpot with this trip with regards to where we went. I know I sound like a broken record, but it was all worth our time and money. Not a single complaint! 

In Temple Square we visited the Temple ^^ and the Mall (below)

We were sad to leave a great trip but also SO ready to see our Frankie and get back to normal life and our bed! We already want to go again and there will be quite a few places that we will be going to again! 

Oh, and Cleveland welcomed us back with quite the sunset over Lake Erie.

DC Recap! [mom + daughter date]

Hey there! Back towards the end of October the dearest mother and I went on a weekend getaway to Washington DC! There was no real rhyme or reason to the location other than the fact that we both LOVE history and sight seeing. We stayed in a great area and were able to get a lot done in our short 2 days there. 

I've shared some of the information below as well as pictures! Please enjoy and if the opportunity presents itself and you are able to do it then I'd HIGHLY suggest going on a random weekend trip with a parent. It was a blast! 

Where we stayed: 

Hilton Garden Inn

What we ate: 

Peet's Coffee
The Capital Burger
Fire Works Pizza
Wunder Garten
Magnolia Bakery
Blue Bottle Coffee

Where we went: 

The National Mall
Ford's Theatre
Arlington National Cemetery

No exaggeration here: this was the best burger EVER! I don't know what they do that stands out amongt the competition but it was so perfectly grilled and served. I was so full but also desperately wanting to order another one (or 6 to stash away).

My beautiful momma and I on our walk to Wunder Garten just after dropping off our bags and checking ourselves into the hotel! It was probably 100 yards away so it was destined that we start our trip here.

The next day was the sight seeing and history. It was a lot more of an emotional day than I thought it was going to be. Just to see where our country has been and what we, as American's, have accomplished. It's truly a beautiful thing and whether you want to see it or not, we're still that nation that is working together... In one form or another. 

I tend to go for a good sour beer if given the chance and I tried this one at Fire Works Pizza. The taste was incredible! Very sour and fruity without being too sweet. The only downside would be the carbonation. Otherwise, it was worth sharing! 

There ya have it! It was a great trip and while I've gone on many vacations with my mom, it's never been just the two of us. DC may have been our first trip but it definitely won't be our last!