I wasn't me.

Deep breath in.

Exhale.

Here goes. This is personal and it’s deep and by writing this I am showing my vulnerability. Out of respect for me and yourself, please proceed with caution and understanding.

Last year, 2018,  was not my “routine year”. I have this repeating habit where I enjoy the holidays and then my birthday and do what I can to stay above the grayness of winter until spring rolls around. When spring opens with its gentle warmth and the sun rises before I do, I become a different person. I’m more motivated and excited. I’ll become excited over nothing other than the fact that it’s sunny and that was always enough.

In spring of 2018 I didn't feel that warmth or excitement. I don’t know what it was, but I held on to that gray into spring and then summer. By the time fall rolled around I felt like the winter would be my companion and we could blend our grays together. The autumn leaves shed and the empty branches took over the scenery and just like that, I felt like I had also shed everything that was making me feel like myself. I felt really low and the only thing I wanted to do was lay on the couch or in bed. I wasn’t very excited for Christmas and in an unusual turn of events, I wasn’t excited for my birthday at all. I remember telling Cade that I kind of wished I could skip my birthday last year. I was turning 29 but it had nothing to do with my age, I just didn’t want to deal with emotions.

I wasn’t taking care of myself.

I was arguing with everyone (including Cade).

I was drinking a lot.

I was eating a lot.

I was doing nothing to help myself, or anyone else.

On my birthday, as Cade was driving me out to dinner and doing everything he could to be sweet and kind, I told him the darkest thing that I’ve ever said out loud.

I didn’t care if I were alive anymore.

Even just typing that makes me cringe and feel uncomfortable. It was a long night after that and then a long few days too. I wasn’t necessarily suicidal, but I guess I just thought if something happened to me then I wouldn’t have to deal with this stress anymore. It was, and still is, a terrifying feeling.

After saying it out loud I knew that something had to change. As much as it hurt to say it, I think I became more accountable at the very moment that the words escaped my mouth. In March I started to cut back on drinking.. In April I essentially quit regular drinking. I eventually got into better eating habits and then taking care of myself all around in a much better way. As I am writing this, at the end of August 2019, I can say that I am nowhere near where I was a year ago. I'm sleeping better, I’m feeling better, I’m more in tune with my mind and body. Cade and I have never been better.

Stress and emotions are heavy and you have to carry them one way or another. Hopefully you have a team that’s offering help when they can and hopefully you will let them help.

If you don’t feel like you have a team then look around. Maybe you’re just not noticing them.

Either way, based on my own experience, reach out. Tell someone that you can trust what you’re going through and tell them to listen to you. Do the best you can to explain everything and consider the spot you’re in as your rock bottom. You can come back and you can feel alive again but you have to know where you’re at to do that. 

Just do your best. That's all you can do. Your best!

Renee